Bathing suit snow-angels?

I hate spring. People ask, “What’s your favourite season?”. It’s not spring.

Summer, winter, fall, all good  choices, each one with its own quirky characteristics but not spring. Spring is the asshole of the seasons. Strong words but you may come to agree with me.

Spring is a big fat liar, a temptress, a deceiver of the innocent and Spring clearly suffers from schizophrenia.  Spring tries to be everything to everyone – spring is exactly like an untrustworthy acquaintance.  All smiles and promises of sun and warmth and then WHAMO, you wake up to Jack frost and clouds. A weather report for a DAY in spring can read like a database of weather conditions:  Sunny with a chance of rain later in the day, overnight thundershowers turning to hail and possible snow with accumulation of 1-2 cm, high winds expected also a high wind advisory if you live anywhere near a trailer park.  Spring is one temper mental toddler. You just never know what you are going to get from one day to the next. No one wants Spring as a roommate, she’s just too moody, shifty and fickle.

Still not convinced? As you look out the window to see the sun shining in March, that’s Spring pretending it’s warm. Spring seduces you to go outside but as soon as you are far enough away from your house, you realize it’s chilly and there is a biting wind that cuts to your core. Spring tempts you to don a lighter coat only to make you walk around all hunched up and breathing into your jacket collar, hands stuffed into your pockets.  Sometimes Spring even warms up but this is just a trick. It’s a trick that makes men think they should wear shorts with socks and sandals. It’s a trick that makes you as a mother look incompetent. “Mom, where are my short sleeve shirts and sunglasses?”. How do I know?  Yesterday you had on mitts and a down jacket and now you want to know if you can run through the spinkler?

Record temps in March. See how I'm not in the photo wearing my winter fat-suit?

Does spring really hurt me?  A chinook in the middle of March makes me cry because I haven’t had time to unfat myself from winter  before sporting a tank top. I hate you spring.
Spring brings April showers and May flowers. Bullshit. Spring showers are icy, windy, chill-you-to-the-bone miserable days that blow your umbrella into an inverted condom. May flowers – yes there are flowers.  May also brings mud and rain boots and wet dogs and damp gloomy days filled with the thought that it should be warmer BUT IT’S NOT.

Spring even owns the best marketing team in the world. Because people are tricked EVERY YEAR into believing that it will be fun to visit Niagara Falls in April. Haha jokes on you, freezing mist sucks in the summer, in the spring it’s like a thousand needles in the face without any Botox like benefit.  Even Disney has you buy into the spring hype with fairies that work all year on preparing to go the the Mainland to usher in the season of change – Spring.
What marketing campaign talks about fall cleaning? Even the time change sucks in spring.  Lose an hour, great – I’m dirty and I’m tired.
Spring sucks.

Where are you summer? I need someone a bit more reliable in my life.  I need caressing warmth and patio evenings.  I need long sunny days and cool summer drinks.  I need you to help me forget that Spring tortured me into thinking you might never arrive.

I’m waiting by my window.  I will check my weather App before seeing if you are here.  I’ll know it’s you when I smell that sweet summer smell of babies with sunscreen and take afternoon naps when it’s a bit too warm to be outside.  Hurry Spring, move along so i can sit with your friend summer who is calmer and quieter and doesn’t need quite so much attention.

What’s your favourite season?

Comments declined from uni-seasonal states like Phoenix and Florida.  (criteria for uni-seasonal state: If you can wear sandals year-round you clearly cannot say you have seasons.)