Alarm clocks are for people without toddlers.

 

Any mom that tells me they get up an hour early so they can have “me-time”  makes me wonder if they are secretly meth-moms?  When they say,  ”It’s the best time of the day”   all chipper and giddy sounding, I can’t help but think they could only be this perky with the aid of an illegal stimulant that requires quite possibly both smoke and  mirrors. These are the same moms that say,   “oh-I don’t nap, sometimes I will have a little rest and put my feet up but I couldn’t possibly sleep in the middle of the day”.   Right, that’s because you go to bed at 8:30. Of course you can’t nap you’re asleep before I’m finished dinner. Their smug attitude that ‘the morning’ holds the secret to the universe lends me to believe they also hold up John 3:16 signs at their kid’s soccer tournaments.

 

 

‘Morning Moms’ make my life miserable for four reasons
1. I’m obviously not one of them.

The truth is; having kids that get up when there is a five showing on the clock makes me feel like I am in jail. The only thing that would be worse is if my kid said, “Mommy it’s 5am, come on…let’s go jogging”.

2) Morning moms make me look bad.

Literally and figuratively. I already think I’m in jail, wearing my pajamas, a baseball hat and smeared mascara to school drop-off only completes the look. You’re a morning mommy, I’m a convict mommy.

3) I hate the morning. Talking to morning people makes me hate them too.

This utter distaste for the AM trickles over into how many days a week I can get three kids out the door with all the right crap for each one. Gym day, pizza day, library day, inside-out day, and every other ridiculous thing I’m supposed to remember to bring, take, buy, or carry to school each morning. At least everyday is fundraiser day for some God awful thing.  I usually shove my kids out the door with a bag of money and hope that Terry Fox thinks it’s enough. Perhaps one day soon there will be help a ‘convict-mommy’ day and make-over people will show up at my door with unelasticized pants.  Un-crappy morning mommies have the morning routine sorted, labelled and colour coded. Please, don’t talk to me, just let me drink my coffee and hate you silently.

4) I’m only late in the morning.  Mostly because I would rather die than get up.

I never realized that having kids would force me to integrate into this cubicle lifestyle. Because more of the world likes to get up in the morning than stay up at night, I am eternally seen as a disorganized slacker mom. I bet moms that home school are also night hawks like myself. They got tired of living in morning jail hell and figured they might as well exchange it for teaching hell. At least they wouldn’t have to be on time.

 

And this my friends is why I can’t wait for my kids to be teenagers. No longer will I be a crappy convict mommy in the eyes of the PTA.  but I will be the mommy that knows what time your kid got home, how long they sat in the car and what they sexted while parked.  When this time comes, I will put you morning mommies to shame with your inability to ‘understand’ your teen  They may hate me and call me stupid but at least I will be awake for the fight.

Please, comments only from night-people.  Morning chatter people are enough in real life…I’m pretty sure I also don’t want to read what you have to say.