Warning: this blog post contains bad language and some politically incorrect statements that you may find offensive or possibly funny.  Just letting you know.

I’m sure when you read the title of this blog, there are a multitude of names that come to mind when referring to the opposite sex in a demeaning hurtful way. Before you shelter your eyes, there will be no words rhyming with hunt or locksucker.  This is really about the most hurtful name you can say, not per se, the crudest name you could use.  So the word itself may not make you cringe – but the lasting effects are what make it profound.

The NAME:

Dear Men,

If you want to crumple your wife to the floor and shake her shell of confidence as a partner, a wife, mother, lover but most basically a woman, look her in the eye and in a measured voice say the following,  ”you’re a bitch.”  That’s it.  The bitch offense will make all other conversation come to a halt.  Of course there will possibly be some crying and yelling about how crappy you are as a human – but ultimately, you as a man, have rendered your wife defenceless and possibly mute for any further discussion about what you may have been trying to resolve. We all know there are more profane words – but calling a woman a bitch goes to the core of what we try our entire lives not to become. We actually spend time talking about other women that are clearly bitches and pat ourselves on the back for not being “that wife”.  Ultimately we don’t want to be the nag, the ball and chain, the bitch.

"Get away from her you bitch"

Dear Ladies,

If you are interested in stripping a man of his ego, his soul and possibly his manhood, the following phrase although may not stop them in their tracks, will resonant around in their brain for a later time when they are fully capable of comprehending the implications.  I would suggest a verbal pause, an inhalation of breath, followed by the following phrase: “you’re an infant” or a “4 year old” or any number that represents the fact that your husband is suffering from a bewildering case of permanent pre-adolescense.  Now, before you call me out and say, “Heather, you said one word.  What you have given me here is a phrase.”  You would be right, but let me delve deeper. The actual 2 words I would chose are retarded asshole.  Stop. Don’t get on your politically correct high horse,  the word ‘retard’ means: cause to move more slowly or operate at a slower rate.  The word asshole, has a variety of meanings but in this case it’s just an excellent all round description of your spouse at the time of invocation. So for the sake of simplicity and political correctness, and the fact that I said ‘one word’, if you want to make them walk out the door just say, “honey, you are useless“.  Or in the verbal crossfire, “You are a useless asshole.”

Men want to be productive, important, even profound – when you invoke the ‘Useless” incantation, it makes them burn – smoulder and produces a shut down effect like no other word.

THE CASE:  From the woman’s lookout.

A small percentage of the time I spend chatting with my girlfriends we are complaining.  Mostly about men. Usually the main man in our lives.  These can vary from specific complaints – like,  ’I wish he would turn the door knob when he is closing the door instead of pushing it shut so it makes that slamming noise’ to broader complaints like, ‘why is there a trail of crap from the front door to every spot he has travelled in the house?’

Inevitably as women we continue along, picking up and shutting up because it’s easier than actually getting our spouses to do what it is we are trying to accomplish.  Now, if you have been married for more than – oh say, a day and a half and you perhaps have 0-3 kids thrown into the mix you can understand what happens.  Little by little we start to suggest ways in which it would be helpful for you to remember to do things that make our lives easier.  It goes like this: suggest, ask, question, assert, nag, and finally bitch.  We break.  We become the cliche we have strived to avoid. No woman wants to be called a bitch.  And let me tell you, it’s not when things are at their worst – no such luck. We snap and move to raging bitch when it appears the simplest thing has gone wrong.  Here is the unintended result:

1) You see us as crazy and avoid us thus making us crazier than before

2) when nothing changes from this verbal exchange, we go back to sucking it up until the next straw.  Inevitable the next straw comes at closer intervals. Then of course we are labelled temporarily insane.

That’s us.  Women are the multi-taskers of the universe. We usually manage the kids, hold down a job, do the majority of the cleaning and the child care as well as the planning and managing the household.  When we want you to take care of something we aren’t talking to you in ‘space’ and would be wet with excitement if the task was completed.  Oh and if you are going to do what we ask – don’t do it half ass in the hopes that we won’t ask you to do it again.  I’ve never seen my husband pack for a hunting trip and forget, well, anything. (See, even the writing is bitchy.)

This is where the Useless label comes from.

1) Managing to plan a trip with your guys friends down to the last detail of who will be preparing each night’s dinner and the appropriate corresponding scotch but not be able to pack your kid’s lunch box without an item that contains nuts.  (thus sending a letter home, reminding ‘us’ that other children could die if we weren’t more considerate with our lunch choices.)

2) After spending 4 hours alone with the kids, because mommy ‘gets’ to go out and run errands, arriving home to find that kids have not eaten, the house is a disaster, the kitchen appears to have been the assault of an IED – and your first words are “I feel cooped up – I would like to get out for a run”.

3) After multiple lists, yellow sticky notes and patient discussion of what you will need to bring to the party because I will be coming straight from work and have already prepared the food and taken care of all the arrangements for said evening event, you show up without anything and have forgotten the hostess gift thus making us look cheap and lazy.

THE CASE: From the man’s lookout.

Guys talk to their guy friends about 1) Viral videos, 2) Sports things 3) Getting together to: drink, watch viral videos, do sporty things or some combination there of.

Guys like to have fun, they like to go out, work out, eat out and have sex.  Guys generally like to build things, fix things, install things or break things.  They mostly enjoy working on their bodys, their vehicles, their projects or watching funny You Tube videos

Things men are good at.

Lots of our guys have a good job, they are decent men, good fathers, and loyal.  They are the kings of the “one-off”. Completing projects that are generally one time deals.  Building the deck, organizing the garage, setting up the internet, or fixing the drywall hole (more than likely – created by them).  Most of our guys are also the caretakers of the lawn, the car maintenance and the snow removal.  Call it stereotyping because it is and because it’s mostly true.

Once a guy has finished his day at work, mowed the lawn, emptied the crap out of the car and played with the kids he patiently listens while we make our first set of requests.  ’Honey, can you please bath the kids”  or can you please make arrangements for our flight to Florida” or can you please tidy the kitchen while I get ready for a project due for work”.  Here’s the problem.  No matter what the task – we inevitably complain about how it got done or when it got done.  This is infuriating for men.

Here’s how we get labeled “bitch”.

1) It doesn’t matter what the task is, we mentally grade your result and then proceed to list our complaints: Tidying the kitchen? “oh I wish you had not left the dishes to dry in the sink” “Why did you put the strainer here?  It goes in this cupboard.”  ”oh don’t worry, I like the feel of crumbs on my feet, I’ll just sweep again”

We forget to utter even a small word of thanks for doing the task and more often these are the things we say, “thanks for tiding the kitchen, pause, it would have been great if you… (yikes I can hear myself).

2) It doesn’t matter that you took the kids for a great outing in the park.  We will complain that you forgot to feed them, why are they still wearing their pajamas and most hatedly, we greet you at the door with words like, oh did they sleep in the car, did you feed them – wow, you didn’t wipe their faces?  Rather than a ‘hi honey – I missed you and thanks for taking the kids out”.

3) We foster complaints like mold on bread.  We let them develop, ferment and then linger.  We have conversations in our minds about how we will tell you how disappointed we are and then we will rehearse them until it has the perfect bitch tone or quality.  Inevitably we unleash these complaints at the worst time like when you are happy.

Why? Why do we do this.  Why can’t we just be nice and happy to have a husband that is caring, thoughtful, and faithful?  Why can’t we just have sex with you on a regular basis without prompting?  Ahh these are questions I ponder every day.

Why are guys useless and why are women bitches?  I do have some answers…next week will reveal new and startling insights into these two questions.

For now – post your comments on why you think this to be true.  Or post a comment telling me you are of course the exception to the rule and how your relationship could make a shit pile smell like roses:)